Matthew 17:20. He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
It's very easy to distract yourself from remembering that you are single. We scroll through instagram, youtube, pintrest, tiktok. We are consuming information yet yearning to feel connected.
There is a hidden message, saying that being single is not enough. Our attention is then captured by things, messages, people that temporarily make us feel less incomplete. Yes, the newest iphone, samsung, asian replica phone should fill us. But for how long?
If we centrallise our thoughts on what is truly important, the rest of the world will seem so far away.
His ways are higher than my own, His thoughts consume the great unknown
19:54:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
I was nervous about my new relationship, more nervous about meeting someone for the first time and them deciding that it wasn't for them.
But as if this was some black comedy the door hit way harder than I had ever imagined. Not only was the trip cancelled for now. It was cancelled for good. Not only did my state announce that the borders were closed to that particular state, but all states almost closed their borders to Victoria. And I received a text message saying it's over.
I had to re-read the message a few times, who breaks up with someone via text? Thankfully, I have had time now to digest and time to heal. I've had time to reconnect with my first love. I have not been abandoned by someone eternal, just someone temporarily. So that we can rekindle the love with the creator of the Earth.
This has been my creed since the breakup. I sing it in my sleep, when I wake, during my waking hours. When I am trying to understand why the rug has been pulled from right underneath me. I know that God's ways are higher than my own. And his Thoughts consume the great unknown.
Elohim - Hillsong Worship
I stand upon the solid Rock of faith in Christ This steadfast hope shall not Break apart within the trial I am assured His promises will never fail As long as life remains He is faithful
God is patient God is kind He does not envy He does not boast His ways are higher than my own, His thoughts consume the great unknown Of this alone I am sure My God is love
I draw my breath under His created windswept sky I know my hope shall last Long after my flesh retires From dusk until the dawn He calls His children home His righteous love outlasts generations
God is patient God is kind He does not envy He does not boast His ways are higher than my own, His thoughts consume the great unknown Of this alone I am sure My God is love
He is Almighty God Elohim Maker of the earth, He is the Lord of hosts, Heaven's King God of endless worth, His kingdom stands above Every power Every living soul, His love is like the sun Ever true, shining over all
He is Almighty God Elohim Maker of the earth, He is the Lord of hosts, Heaven's King God of endless worth, His kingdom stands above Every power Every living soul, His love is like the sun Ever true, shining over all
God is patient God is kind He does not envy He does not boast His ways are higher than my own, His thoughts consume the great unknown Of this alone I am sure My God is love
40 before 40, take 2
21:12:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
I wonder if this was the reason I made a 30 before 30 list the first time, was it after a breakup? I don't remember it now, perhaps that's a good thing.
I'm not sure I want to get to 40 and still have regrets, but I'm sure I will. It's the human condition. So I won't be upset if I don't tick these off the list, there are nice experiences to have, but I am pretty happy with my life as it is today, just as God intended it to be.
1. Find a church that I want to grow in and get my membership over
2. Donate hair again to a cancer charity
3. Watch my best friends find love and get married
4. Start my own clinic
5. Publish some papers in peer reviewed journals again
6. Help raise a child
7. Not give up on love or marriage
8. Swim with pink dolphins
9. Visit Antarctica
10. See the Northern Lights
... 40. See my best friends get baptised.
John 12:24
21:02:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
It's been quite an interesting 2 weeks, or 2 months actually. A few months ago, I bought a whole bunch of seeds. It had absolutely no luck. I planted the seeds, God made them grow and then I went away for a few days and they DIED.
Just before I went away on my break, I planted some more seeds and completely forgot about them. And today, when I needed to know that life carries on the most, I saw them, the little seedlings had sprung to life.
John 12:24 Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.
I'm not sure we can call it dating. But I was seeing this guy for a few months, online. So it was just chatting. And I guess I gave my heart away too easily. We became comfortable with each other and vulnerable with each other. But for the first time in my history, I was dumped, via text. I've heard it from my patients before. It's a cruel way to be dumped. A) because it doesn't allow the other person to be upset at you and you don't feel as guilty dumping them. B) because the other person doesn't ever get proper closure. It's a very interesting experience. To be on the receiving end.
And usually in these moments, you would expect hope to fade and life to end. But I'm not 14/16 and I was complete before I met him. God is just so good. So, so good. There are just so many ways God has comforted me in the last few hours.
... While I was still upset and crying, a friend called me. She never calls me. And out of the blue she called me and I told her what had just happened minutes before.
... The timing was amazing, just as I finished up with a job and had more time to reflect.
... It was like Devine intervention, as the borders of the state closed, it was like a sign that things should end.
... I packed away all the things that remind me of us and it left a gaping hole on my desk, but for some reason I had purchased a plant from Bunnings that was falling apart that needed a new lease in life. And it fits perfectly. Like my life won't be empty without his stuff but be filled with restoration.
...
... My seedlings sprung to life to remind me of hope.
When something ends, it provides opportunity for new growth.
Does God want me to date this person?
11:22:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
So my special friend sent me a few videos to watch.
But because I am me, I did some of my own research and contemplation. And I guess I have been interested in this topic for a number of years. I have consulted with different people, read different books. Interestingly (or but not surprisingly at the same time), the process and the meanings in the resources I consume mean different things to me each time I use the resources to investigate a new relationship.
Now this type of contemplation I think is quite foreign in a Tinder/Bumble/TikTok world. Because you just swipe left if you don't like the person, and swipe right if you think the person is good looking, funny or has a nice pet/hobby/car.
There are some very fortunate people who can speak to their parents about this. A- my dad died when I was young, B- mum and I aren't really used to talking about this stuff. But I am learning to ask the right questions to get the right guidance. I was recently fortunate enough to get some wisdom from my pastor's wife.
1. What does the bible say about dating?
Firstly, dating was never mentioned in the bible. Dating is a relatively new thing that happened in our modern world. In middle eastern culture, couples did not spend time together before engagement. And even in my grandparents days and my great grant parents' days, they may not see their future spouse until the moment they uncover the red scarf on the women's head in the Chinese wedding ceremony. In my culture and in the bible days, marriage was more than finding physical compatibility or whether the other person likes the same Marvel characters as you.
18 The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” (Gen 2:18, NIV)
"Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart." (2 Tim 2:22, NIV)
2. Am I ready for marriage?
Practically, yes. I have the means to be independent from my own household. I can survive without parental support. I've made the mistake in the past where I was dating before I was ready for marriage and it was very painful for the other person. Because I do believe that long dating relationships are not practical nor easy to avoid sin, particularly sexual sin in. God made sex to be good and only enjoyed in a marriage between a man and his wife. And as such, we were built to want to have this union with someone we feel emotional attachment to.
Well, I'd say I have a few things I am working on. I might not lie, steal, murder, but I am still a sinner. There are no glaring red flags. And the problem with being a sinner is that sometimes I continue to indulge in sin. I don't even try to correct the sin. But you know the amazingness of Grace? That I have been forgiven. But so daily, there is a wrestle between the old and new me. Sometimes the old me tells me lies and comes up with excuses to continue to live that old life. Do I have to fully overcome some of these things to be ready for marriage? Ah, that thought is interesting.
11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. (1Cor 5:11, NIV)
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one easily angered, (Proverbs 22:24, NIV)
My current friendship is so different to others. While some have probably taken advantage of my particular weakness to satisfy their own needs of the flesh, this man is pressing pause. He is not letting me indulge in my sin. He is moving me closer to being Holy as God has called us to be Holy.
I think my readiness is more about my willingness to let go of pride and be willing and ready to admit fault, let God continue to craft and mould me and also be willing to not know what the outcome is of a dating relationship. Because if we HAD to know what the outcome is before we started dating, then,... how much of it is a reliance on ourselves, and how much is it a reliance on God?
3. What type of person does God want us to date?
It's so interesting. Because I asked a wise married couple about what type of person I should date many years ago now. And the husband said, there are 3 things you should consider, now I was at the edge of my seat and was about to get some profound answers so I was all ears. A. You must be equally yoked, a follower of Christ. B. They must be of the opposite sex. C. You have to like them, want to be friends with them, because after everything else fades, that's all that remains.
Well that seemed simple enough.
A. Equally yoked. I've had a fair share of friends (or friends of friends) who are believers who have married other believers and their relationships aren't ideal. There are arguments, there are calls for divorce, there is unfaithfulness, etc. Choosing someone to date or marry who is a believer doesn't automatically guarantee happiness. And on the other hand, there are plenty of people who date unbelievers or even marry them and have very loving relationships.
14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[a]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? (2 Cor 6:14-15)
The yoke is important for direction. Imagine two ox yoked together but one wants to go this way, and another wants to go another way. Even though two people may identify as Christians, this may mean different things. BUT this being said, I don't think you can truly understand where another person is like until you are in a dating relationship or a longer term relationship. And I think a season of dating helps you uncover which direction the person is going, it's like a period of observation.
B. I think you know by now my doctrine views on this subject. One man, one wife, for life. Not only do I believe the bible conveys that a biblical marriage consists of a union between a man and a woman, but I also believe that there should only be one for life. Other people will have different views, but this is also not their blog.
C. We can also be interviewing potential dating partners for a job rather than for love. Do they tick all the boxes and will they be an excellent ministry partner? For example, yes, I play this instrument, they play that instrument, ok we will be a great worship leading team. BUT is that the question we are asking? Are we looking for a date who we are considering for potential marriage or are we looking to do a job interview?
This is a practical suggestion. I think that you need to genuinely enjoy this person's company. If they "tick all the boxes" but you don't have a level of attraction to the person or want to spend more time with them, how will that work? I remember long ago that I was in a relationship where the person at the time had "ticked all the boxes" but I would tune out every time they spoke. It was disrespectful towards that person and in the long run, will not be edifying to them. Communication is so vital for any relationship. If you struggle to communicate with this person and no amount of training, counselling is helping, should you look to date them?
4. Does God want me to date this particular person?
No idea.
I think this is a question that will never be answered about relationships or career decisions, more me at least. Our time on earth is so short. I am very certain about what the eternal plans are for me. But I think God gives us freedom to make smaller choices knowing that these smaller choices have consequences we also have to learn to accept.
I just have to remember to keep a balance so that I am not making this person another "God" or relying on this person. Making sure that I am still observing his person and growing myself, it's a balance.
In our interactions, are we bringing glory to God? Are there red flags that will cause me to sin?
31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Cor 10:31, NIV).
5. Now?
There is this stunning love story of one of my college best friends. The now husband approached my friend because he heard God's leading to ask her out but she said no. He was very confused by this. And respecting her wishes, he loved her like a friend, just like any other friend, and over the years got to know her better, she was able to observe him more. And a few years later, he asked again, and she said yes. The answer for them at the time was yes, now. But not before then, it was a process.
On the other hand, I've had a few relationships now and I wouldn't call them failures. I got to know the person more during the relationship. It was impossible for me or them to determine certain things without having the season of dating.
There are simply soooo many resources about dating in the form of books, videos, websites, etc. At the end of the day, we also need to interpret and consume this information with discernment. In the same way I wouldn't quote wikipedia or a tumblr post in my academic journal articles, I wouldn't want to rely on sub-par information to form my opinions of a decision with potentially lifelong implications for myself or another person.
So do I have conclusions? No. Have I reached any more clarity about this particular person? No. Do I have to? No. Because, Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1, NIV). AND, in my interactions with this person, is it mutually edifying? Are we causing the other person to stumble or are we helping them move closer to Christ?
I think from my brain dump today, I have determined that I am ready to get to know this other person on a deeper level, and whether this leads to something more? That's the whole point of the next season. And I'll let future me worry about future problems. For now, let's just continue to pray and grow.
Behold (Then Sings my Soul)- Hillsong Worship
20:26:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
I didn't realise it, but my head has been quiet for a while. For anxious people, quiet is a good thing, but for someone like me, who usually has an ongoing jukebox in my head... it was odd. And interestingly, I didn't know it was missing.
And lately, I'm not sure when, I started to wake up in song. As I'm walking around in the office, as I'm making lunch, as I'm getting ready for the day, it's back. I'm singing songs of praise wherever I am. And you know, even people at work have pulled me aside and asked what's going on in my life, why I am so happy.
I am so thankful for meeting this new friend. He brings me closer to God and has resparked this jukebox that was silent for way too long.
He makes my soul sing... to God.
Behold the Father's heart The mystery He lavishes on us As deep cries out to deep Oh, how desperately He wants us
The things of earth stand next to Him Like a candle to the sun Unfailing Father What compares to His great love
Behold His holy Son The Lion and the Lamb given to us The Word became a man That my soul should know its Savior
Forsaken for the sake of all mankind Salvation is in His blood Jesus Messiah The righteous died for love
It wasn't over For He is the risen one
Then sings my soul Then sings my soul How great Your love is How great Your love is
Behold I have a friend The Spirit breathing holy fire within My ever present help Speaking truth when I can't find it
Light up this broken heart and light my way 'Til my time on earth is done Oh, Holy Spirit Breathe in me like Kingdom come
Oh, Holy Spirit Let Your work in me be done
Then sings my soul Then sings my soul How great Your love is How great Your love is
My God He who was and is to come Prepare the way Until the work on earth is done
Watch as the clouds He rides swing low Lift up the sound as He makes our praise His throne Behold the Lord our God will lead us Home
Sometimes we might find ourselves in the darkness. Confused about how we got here and where are are to go. So we sulk. We sit and sulk.
Things sometimes seem for me quite impossible, when I am alone, late at night. But God himself pierces through the darkness. Because he makes a way when there seems to be no way.
Waymaker- Leeland
Lyrics.
You are here Moving in the mist I worship you I worship you
You are here Working in this place I worship you I worship you
And you are Way maker, miracle worker Promise keeper, light in the darkness My God, that is who you are
You are here Turning lives around I worship you I worship you
You are here And you're healing every heart I worship you I worship you
Even when I don't see it, you're workin' Even when I don't feel it, you're workin' You never stop, you never stop workin' You never stop, Jesus you are
Way maker, miracle worker Promise keeper, light in the darkness My God, that is who you are (I know, I know you are)
Finding connection during COVID-19?
21:21:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
It's unprecedented, like it has been said many times before, it's all over the media. Everywhere we look, there is fear, panic buying of toilet paper/pasta/ all kinds of weird things.
All of a sudden we were stuck at home in order to save lives. This restriction led to a sudden surge in loneliness. And I was pushed, like many to communicate and reach other to others in a different way than before. In some ways, I have actually re-connected and contacted people more while in physical isolation than when we were able to meet face to face.
As part of this process, I explored some online dating and signed up to some free trials to see what was available. I tried this a few years ago, but at the time, there really wasn't much interest. Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, there were more people looking to reduce their levels of loneliness than ever before. Random strangers were making contact with me.
I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Something to do? Something to fill the emptiness that gym doors closing could not fill? Companionship? A date? a feeling of being desired? Genuine long term connection? A future partner?
It was an interesting experience. In the short 2 weeks of exploring online dating, many people had contacted me, varying results between the different sites that I tried. Some truly objectified me and quickly tired when they figured out that I wasn't going to exchange their time for sexual gratification, Some had fascinating stories to tell. Some had no social skills. And one... took my breath away.
But what happens after this pandemic. Do these friendships and relationships last? When our lives return to normal, how do these people fit?
Love you 3000... no 1 billion
07:30:00
Kikoprincess
0 Comments
So for those who saw the last avengers movie, you will know the beauty of my favourite character. I love you 3000. That's a whole lot. I cried. Many times.
I keep hunting for love that doesn't exist on this side of eternity. Can it even be possible that we get close? The movies make it so unrealistic that such sacrifice is possible.
But there is a love far more than 3000. A love that generated 100 billion stars. It's such a beautiful song, and transports me back to the outback of Australia, starring up at the milky way and endless stars in the night sky.
God of creation There at the start Before the beginning of time With no point of reference You spoke to the dark And fleshed out the wonder of light
And as You speak A hundred billion galaxies are born In the vapor of Your breath the planets form If the stars were made to worship so will I I can see Your heart in everything You've made Every burning star A signal fire of grace If creation sings Your praises so will I
God of Your promise You don't speak in vain No syllable empty or void For once You have spoken All nature and science Follow the sound of Your voice
And as You speak A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath Evolving in pursuit of what You said If it all reveals Your nature so will I I can see Your heart in everything You say Every painted sky A canvas of Your grace If creation still obeys You so will I So will I So will I
If the stars were made to worship so will I If the mountains bow in reverence so will I If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I For if everything exists to lift You high so will I If the wind goes where You send it so will I If the rocks cry out in silence so will I If the sum of all our praises still falls shy Then we'll sing again a hundred billion times
God of salvation You chased down my heart Through all of my failure and pride On a hill You created The light of the world Abandoned in darkness to die
And as You speak A hundred billion failures disappear Where You lost Your life so I could find it here If You left the grave behind You so will I I can see Your heart in everything You've done Every part designed in a work of art called love If You gladly chose surrender so will I I can see Your heart Eight billion different ways Every precious one A child You died to save If You gave Your life to love them so will I
Like You would again a hundred billion times But what measure could amount to Your desire You're the One who never leaves the one behind
我的天父 可否讓我好好地談戀愛 My dear father, will you let me experience a love
不再流淚 不再傷痛 不再聚合又要分開 with no more tears, no more pain, no more breaking and making up
我的天父 我只想要安穩地找個人來愛 My dear father, I just want to stably find someone to love
請讓我知道那個人在不在 Please just let me know if this per-son exists.
我的孩子 難道你忘記了我就是愛 My dear child, did you forget that I am love
學懂愛我 學懂愛你自己 你就懂好好戀愛 Learn to love me, learn to love yourself, then you learn to love
我的孩子 何不嘗試安靜地慢慢去等待 My dear child, why not be silent and slowly wait
你就會知道那個人在不在 Then you will know if this person exists
你是否願意相信 每時每刻都在我手裏 (願意相信) Are you willing to believe, every second and moment is in my hands (willing to believe)
沒有事情是太早或是太遲 (沒有事情是太早或是太遲) Nothing is ever too early or too late (nothing is ever too early or too late)
愛我的主 我願意相信 萬事萬物都在你手裏 (願意相信) My loving saviour, let me believe, everything is within your hands (willing to believe)
我教你順服 我的旨意 (請教我順服 你的旨意) I'm teaching you surrender, to my will (please teach me to surrender to your will)
It has been a while since my last entry. The world has changed. Suddenly I find myself in a pandemic. In the blink of an eye I went from my last entry in 2017 to 2020. In the last 3 years, my world has changed, in the last 3 months, the world has changed. I have been questioned in the last few weeks about what I am looking for in a relationship, what the other relationships that didn't work lacked. I remember this song being sang at one of my friend's weddings. I think I am beginning to learn surrender. To the will of God. Will I ever find that kind of romantic lasting love on earth? I don't know, but I know I have already found an eternal love in my father in heaven who has taught me what love should look like. And boy, have I fallen short in the past.
