A way to protect yourself

I've been watching "He who comes from the stars" with my mum recently, and the "alien" having lived on the earth for over 400 years simply says, "there is a way to not get hurt, it's by not getting involved and not caring". And I believe he is right. In his first years on earth, he chose to help a girl, and saw her die painfully. And missed his ride home.

Jesus too could have chosen to not get hurt emotionally or physically, he could have chosen not be go to the tree, but you know what? He chose Love. He chose to love and care for us so much that he suffered for our sake. For some strange reason, Jesus thought we were worth it.

But I'm not Jesus. And I'm certainly not an alien that has lived here on earth for 400 years. Letting someone into your life, is also letting yourself be vulnerable to pain. We were so precious to Jesus that he died for us, will we just let anybody just come and harm us? In the bible, it tells us to guard our hearts. What comes into our hearts...
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Seeking and finding

It's been really busy for me in the last couple of weeks. And usually, when my life becomes so hectic, I become less composed, lose a lot of things, forget a lot of things, get to appointments late, and my room starts to become very very messy- which then starts a vicious cycle. And if this only concerns me, then I would be less guilty. But this time, I lost something very important to someone else. And after searching what I consider to be everywhere, more than 3 times, I am still looking. The more I look, the more that I find- stuff that I thought was lost, or haven't been thinking about in years come up out of the blue. I found my watch, an old usb filled with songs, notes I had made to myself, jewellery.

Luke 5:8-10. Now this reminds me of the parable of the lost coin in the bible. When you lose something, you go and search for it. And if you find it, it brings you great joy.

But I wonder what the lady in the parable also found. Did she find things that we wasn't expecting?

"Somehow I can't find what was lost, but keep finding what I was not looking for" was my status today. And while I have been in limbo praying and praying about direction with my career and job, and searching and searching for different business or job opportunities, I unexpectedly found someone who was able to calm the uncertainty. I'm not quite sure what the deal is, but it's definitely something I wasn't looking for, and I found. 

 While I believe God always provides for us in our need, sometimes, losing something can be God's way of showing us something we weren't expecting to find. 
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I cried at work today

I cried at work today. Truly, I couldn't help the tears rolling down my face. It wasn't sadness. But sheer understanding.

Once you watch this video you will understand why.


One of the things I love about my clinical work is how real my clients can be with me. They will be upfront and tell me what they don't like, and what they like. It often brings me to tears when they validate the work that I do with them. How I go out of my way to understand and to be open and honest. How I can be funny. And it's taken me quite a bit of time to take this positive feedback on board.

And one of the greatest challenges for me is to get them to self-validate. To acknowledge their own strengths and the amazing things they do.

God created us as individuals each unique, each special, and all a little bit crazy. :P. Let us celebrate the person God has created us to be.
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getting over it- all done


I'd say this 5+year long journey is a little bit like a bad marriage. At first I was so in love, I would live and breathe articles. I would tell whoever I could as much as I could about my studies. Then the reality started to creep up on me. It was the daily abuse of a controlling relationship- felt guilty going out with friends, watching tv, but the more I felt guilty, the more I wanted to do these things. It made me depressed and physically ill to be in such a one-sided relationship- all give give give. And now? Today marks a new chapter in the relationship- soon to be ex-relationship. Handed in the papers today, awaiting feedback to see if we can have a clean break up. 

THANKS to everyone who believed in me, even when I lost faith. And thanks to an amazing heavenly father who has taught me to humble myself.

In celebration of this- I have finally made my status- "single" hoping that the PhD doesn't creep it's way back into my life. 

How to get over a terrible divorce.

Step 1. Detox.


Chuck out things that would remind me of it...
Just a small portion of the many papers that can finally leave my bedroom...
I'd say this 5+year long journey is a little bit like a bad marriage. At first I was so in love, I would live and breathe articles. I would tell whoever I could as much as I could about my studies. Then the reality started to creep up on me. It was the daily abuse of a controlling relationship- felt guilty going out with friends, watching tv, but the more I felt guilty, the more I wanted to do these things. It made me depressed and physically ill to be in such a one-sided relationship- all give give give. And now? Today marks a new chapter in the relationship- soon to be ex-relationship. Handed in the papers today, awaiting feedback to see if we can have a clean break up. THANKS to everyone who believed in me, even when I lost faith. And thanks to an amazing heavenly father who has taught me to humble myself. How to get over a terrible divorce. Step 1. Detox. Just a small portion of the many papers that can finally leave my bedroom...




















Step 2. Balance the good and bad memories.  

I am incredibly thankful for the amazing opportunities I've had over the past 5 years. Firstly, I was given the opportunity to work with Schoolies in a series of focus group interviews, and find out how they really felt like.

Incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to share my passions in psychology with many psychology students through lecturing and tutoring. And having such a wonderful bunch of coworkers who treated me as a peer.

Incredibly blessed for opportunities to work with incredibly talented researches in Melbourne and Seattle. The opportunities to travel, live and explore these places has been absolutely inforgettable. The people I have met have changed the person I am today. The places I have been can be revisited with a close of an eye.

Thankful for the not so great experiences too. Difficulties with people, difficulties with computers, difficulties with data. All made me a stronger person, but at the same time, made me truly humble myself. 

Step 3. Link in with positive supports. 

It's been fantastic to call friends and family to share with them the joy that I am feeling, and having them reassure me the future will be brighter.

Step 4. Have a fresh start

Starting another project -- stay tuned.
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Will you uphold our cause?

When strangers attack us because of doing His will, it's easy to have faith. But when those closest to us makes it hard to serve, what do we do then?
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Reflection- 30 before 30 list this year

I've ticked another item off my 30 before 30 list right before my birthday. And before the end of the month, I should have submitted my PhD. Finally. It's like a baby that has been stuck with me forever.

The 30 before 30 list was set a few years ago. I had a reunion with overseas members of my youth group about said list. I asked them what would the things be they would put on their list. They suggested that things that mattered then would matter less now, and would certainly matter less in 2 years time. There is wisdom in their response. Our goals, continue to evolve. Some goals get achieved and left behind. Other goals are set but because of life circumstances they no longer matter.

Are there still things on my list that I think I can still achieve before I am 30? I have ticked off 13 of the 30 items. I am confident that the Phd will disappear from the list soon. I have already lost 4 kg compared to last year, and I am currently within the healthy BMI range. Some things on my list are about experiences or travel: Haibun, swimming with dolphins, missions trip, northern lights, shower in a waterfall, eat at a hatted restaurant. And these don't matter to me that much anymore. I wouldn't fee like a failure if I didn't accomplish these things. Some things seem a bit out of reach or beyond my control: fall in love, best friends baptism. Some things are achievable if I really really really wanted to: finish a half marathon, run 10km in under an hour, improve photography and cooking skills, parallel park, guitar. But the question is, are these things still important to me?

Sitting here with 2 years to go will 30, will I make a significantly different list? Have I learned not to be overly ambitious? My short term goals are just to do my best for my clients, finish my PhD. My medium term goals is to help train leaders for worship team. My longer term goals are not so much things that I control. 2 years ago I would have dreamed a different life for today. But I believe God is in control. Through the ups and downs, the excitements and disappointments, the successes and failures, he is in control.
I have done way less than I thought I would. But I have experienced way more than I thought would be possible. 
So I sit here hopeful at what the next 2 years will bring. I may fall in love, but I may fall out of love. I may become financially independent or completely broke. I may stay or I may go. The possibilities are scary and exciting at the same time.
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Keep making me


I've been feeling more broken than complete lately. Is this what my clients feel like? Little things would trigger tears. Even the question of how are you can bring an emotional tide.

To really rejoice in this state of "down-ness" is difficult. But as a psychologist, this is really a precious time for me to truly experience the lows. And let God really make me, me. 

Guitar tabs: http://tabs.ultimate-guitar.com/s/sidewalk_prophets/keep_making_me_crd.htm

Keep making me, sidewalk prophets

F#
Make me broken
So I can be healed
                            Ebm
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
                          C#   
I want to run to You
                            B
With heart wide open
                      F#
Make me broken
             F#
Make empty
So I can be filled
                           Ebm
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
                         C#
And I’m completed
                            B
When you are with me
                  F#
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
              F#      B     F# C#
‘Til You are my one desire
               F#       B          C#
‘Til You are my one true love
               F#         B             Ebm  C#
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
B                               C#    F#
Lord, please keep making me

                    F#
Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
                       Ebm
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
                           C#
‘Cause in the darkness
                             B
I know You will hold me
                   F#     
Make me lonely
guitar guitar tabs music
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