Moment of reflection

21:09:00 Karen Li 0 Comments

I enjoyed a nice long shower today and used it really to reflect on what has been going on in my life. I think I was taken on an automatic pilot ride without properly pausing to pray and, even when I did, I don't think I properly stopped to listen to the answer.

When I returned to my bedroom, I found out that I had forgotten to open the window so the glass had completely fogged up to a blank canvas for me to express what I felt. Yes, in that moment, all I could think about was love. But thankfully it wasn't a love of a particular man, but the creator of all men. I wrote "I love God" on the glass. Pause and think, what does that even mean. Sometimes I think I'm a lot like Peter. I would say something without properly considering the depth of what I am saying or the intention from which I am saying what I am saying. Actually, to clients I am all wise, to my own issues, I am just like every human being... sometimes I say things, and think if I say them enough, my heart will start to believe it. Or other times, I treat "love" as something that I can say but not act in accordance with. 

Let's be real. I love God. And although this love should be more important than anything, it often is not. I get consumed with my work. I get consumed by the excitement of adventure and risk. Oh, and I consume food, media, and information like a sponge. I have been feeling empty lately. Although things are going well for me, I have a lovely job, do plenty of exercise, have awesome friends and family but something was lacking. And I do feel like it's my relationship with God. There are two times in the day- morning and evening where our relationship are great. Then it's as if the rest of the day doesn't also belong to Him. I'm jealous, boastful, rude and impatient. I drive like I'm rushing to die, I get angry when storepeople treat me like a 6 year old, I am not truly listening when my friends talk to me at the end of the day. I continue to sin and try to make myself think like everything is ok. 

It's not. It hasn't been for a while. And there are several reasons for this. I have not confessed any of these sins. I am so far away from the body of God that I'm getting weak as an individual Christian. So yesterday, when I was able to spend time with people who are very close to God, I felt some completeness that I haven't felt for a while. Walking with and talking to people who are also humans (also with their own weaknesses) helped me remember the enormous power of being in fellowship with God through His people. 

I've said for the last 9 months that I would try to find a fellowship. I've even changed my work days to try to suit this... and yet, I am not in a fellowship yet. I think much more important than finding another running track, or next eatery or even next intimate friendship, I need to first get myself stronger as a Christian by being closer to the body of Christ.


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