But because I am me, I did some of my own research and contemplation. And I guess I have been interested in this topic for a number of years. I have consulted with different people, read different books. Interestingly (or but not surprisingly at the same time), the process and the meanings in the resources I consume mean different things to me each time I use the resources to investigate a new relationship. 

Now this type of contemplation I think is quite foreign in a Tinder/Bumble/TikTok world. Because you just swipe left if you don't like the person, and swipe right if you think the person is good looking, funny or has a nice pet/hobby/car. 

There are some very fortunate people who can speak to their parents about this. A- my dad died when I was young, B- mum and I aren't really used to talking about this stuff. But I am learning to ask the right questions to get the right guidance. I was recently fortunate enough to get some wisdom from my pastor's wife. 

1. What does the bible say about dating?

Firstly, dating was never mentioned in the bible. Dating is a relatively new thing that happened in our modern world. In middle eastern culture, couples did not spend time together before engagement. And even in my grandparents days and my great grant parents' days, they may not see their future spouse until the moment they uncover the red scarf on the women's head in the Chinese wedding ceremony. In my culture and in the bible days, marriage was more than finding physical compatibility or whether the other person likes the same Marvel characters as you. 

2. Am I ready for marriage?

Practically, yes. I have the means to be independent from my own household. I can survive without parental support. I've made the mistake in the past where I was dating before I was ready for marriage and it was very painful for the other person. Because I do believe that long dating relationships are not practical nor easy to avoid sin, particularly sexual sin in. God made sex to be good and only enjoyed in a marriage between a man and his wife. And as such, we were built to want to have this union with someone we feel emotional attachment to. 

Well, I'd say I have a few things I am working on. I might not lie, steal, murder, but I am still a sinner.  There are no glaring red flags. And the problem with being a sinner is that sometimes I continue to indulge in sin. I don't even try to correct the sin. But you know the amazingness of Grace? That I have been forgiven. But so daily, there is a wrestle between the old and new me. Sometimes the old me tells me lies and comes up with excuses to continue to live that old life. Do I have to fully overcome some of these things to be ready for marriage? Ah, that thought is interesting. 

11 But now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister[a] but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or slanderer, a drunkard or swindler. Do not even eat with such people. (1Cor 5:11, NIV)

Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person,
    do not associate with one easily angered, (Proverbs 22:24, NIV)

My current friendship is so different to others. While some have probably taken advantage of my particular weakness to satisfy their own needs of the flesh, this man is pressing pause. He is not letting me indulge in my sin. He is moving me closer to being Holy as God has called us to be Holy. 

I think my readiness is more about my willingness to let go of pride and be willing and ready to admit fault, let God continue to craft and mould me and also be willing to not know what the outcome is of a dating relationship. Because if we HAD to know what the outcome is before we started dating, then,... how much of it is a reliance on ourselves, and how much is it a reliance on God?

3. What type of person does God want us to date?

It's so interesting. Because I asked a wise married couple about what type of person I should date many years ago now. And the husband said, there are 3 things you should consider, now I was at the edge of my seat and was about to get some profound answers so I was all ears. A. You must be equally yoked, a follower of Christ. B. They must be of the opposite sex. C. You have to like them, want to be friends with them, because after everything else fades, that's all that remains. 

Well that seemed simple enough. 

A.  Equally yoked. I've had a fair share of friends (or friends of friends) who are believers who have married other believers and their relationships aren't ideal. There are arguments, there are calls for divorce, there is unfaithfulness, etc. Choosing someone to date or marry who is a believer doesn't automatically guarantee happiness. And on the other hand, there are plenty of people who date unbelievers or even marry them and have very loving relationships. 

14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial[a]? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? (2 Cor 6:14-15)

The yoke is important for direction. Imagine two ox yoked together but one wants to go this way, and another wants to go another way. Even though two people may identify as Christians, this may mean different things. BUT this being said, I don't think you can truly understand where another person is like until you are in a dating relationship or a longer term relationship. And I think a season of dating helps you uncover which direction the person is going, it's like a period of observation. 

(Image from: https://www.christianity.com/jesus/life-of-jesus/teaching-and-messages/the-yoke-of-jesus-biblical-meaning-and-importance.html)

B. I think you know by now my doctrine views on this subject. One man, one wife, for life. Not only do I believe the bible conveys that a biblical marriage consists of a union between a man and a woman, but I also believe that there should only be one for life. Other people will have different views, but this is also not their blog. 

C. We can also be interviewing potential dating partners for a job rather than for love. Do they tick all the boxes and will they be an excellent ministry partner? For example, yes, I play this instrument, they play that instrument, ok we will be a great worship leading team. BUT is that the question we are asking? Are we looking for a date who we are considering for potential marriage or are we looking to do a job interview? 

This is a practical suggestion. I think that you need to genuinely enjoy this person's company. If they "tick all the boxes" but you don't have a level of attraction to the person or want to spend more time with them, how will that work? I remember long ago that I was in a relationship where the person at the time had "ticked all the boxes" but I would tune out every time they spoke. It was disrespectful towards that person and in the long run, will not be edifying to them. Communication is so vital for any relationship. If you struggle to communicate with this person and no amount of training, counselling is helping, should you look to date them? 

4. Does God want me to date this particular person? 

No idea. 

I think this is a question that will never be answered about relationships or career decisions, more me at least. Our time on earth is so short. I am very certain about what the eternal plans are for me. But I think God gives us freedom to make smaller choices knowing that these smaller choices have consequences we also have to learn to accept. 

I just have to remember to keep a balance so that I am not making this person another "God" or relying on this person. Making sure that I am still observing his person and growing myself, it's a balance. 

In our interactions, are we bringing glory to God? Are there red flags that will cause me to sin?

31 So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. (1 Cor 10:31, NIV). 

5. Now? 

There is this stunning love story of one of my college best friends. The now husband approached my friend because he heard God's leading to ask her out but she said no. He was very confused by this. And respecting her wishes, he loved her like a friend, just like any other friend, and over the years got to know her better, she was able to observe him more. And a few years later, he asked again, and she said yes. The answer for them at the time was yes, now. But not before then, it was a process. 

On the other hand, I've had a few relationships now and I wouldn't call them failures. I got to know the person more during the relationship. It was impossible for me or them to determine certain things without having the season of dating.

There are simply soooo many resources about dating in the form of books, videos, websites, etc. At the end of the day, we also need to interpret and consume this information with discernment. In the same way I wouldn't quote wikipedia or a tumblr post in my academic journal articles, I wouldn't want to rely on sub-par information to form my opinions of a decision with potentially lifelong implications for myself or another person. 

So do I have conclusions? No. Have I reached any more clarity about this particular person? No. Do I have to? No. Because, Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. (Hebrews 11:1, NIV). AND, in my interactions with this person, is it mutually edifying? Are we causing the other person to stumble or are we helping them move closer to Christ? 

I think from my brain dump today, I have determined that I am ready to get to know this other person on a deeper level, and whether this leads to something more? That's the whole point of the next season. And I'll let future me worry about future problems. For now, let's just continue to pray and grow. 

Sometimes we might find ourselves in the darkness. Confused about how we got here and where are are to go. So we sulk. We sit and sulk. 

Things sometimes seem for me quite impossible, when I am alone, late at night. But God himself pierces through the darkness. Because he makes a way when there seems to be no way.