It's official, we are still together

21:35:00 Karen Li 0 Comments

Several years ago I chose a different type of relationship. I decided that I would commit the best years of my life to researching about the role of families in adolescent alcohol use. I decided that I would sacrifice the years of my young, any potential relationships, time with friends. At that time I wasn't 100% sure what I was signing up for. I didn't realise that it was more than a 9-5 job. A PhD is like having a shadow following you around constantly reminding you that you aren't doing enough, you aren't good enough, and you are never going to finish. 

My first, first authored publication wasn't in a scientific journal. It was in a fashion magazine. It talked about the imposter syndrome. It happens to all of us girls who feel like at any moment someone's going to find out that we are imposters. That we don't belong, we aren't actually good enough. People tell me I'm doing a good job, but I can't believe it. Are they just saying nice things? But I've just past another PhD milestone. I got the email the other day. It's been a bit more than 2 years since I started my PhD and a bit more than 3 years since I started my postgraduate studies. I've only got one more milestone left until it's all over. 
This time next year, God-willing, I will be free from this abusive relationship. And my friends know that I've been married to my studies. It's a choice I have made. But now I am starting to see the end of the road and it's kind of scary. By the time I have finished, I would have studied for 22 years of my life. I have worked in many jobs from being a child care worker, to an accountant, to a lecturer and a psychologist. But I haven't really had a long term full time job. And it's a bit scary. The future is a bit scary. I really don't know what is ahead. 

I have given myself significant excuse not to let Love in my life for so long, will it actually happen? Or will I continue to live recklessly and freely? I have self-sabotaged every potential relationship. And it didn't seem like a big deal in my life. But my friends are getting married, having kids, yet I still dream of travelling the world, having new experiences and finding myself. Maybe I just haven't met the right type of person yet. I haven't met someone I feel safe with. 

I feel like I am an Israelite. The Israelites were promised a land of their own flowing with milk and honey. Yet, many, for their whole lifetimes, only knew servitude in Egypt. They endured many hardships yet it was during this time that God built up a great nation. From one family, he made a nation. And eventually, he did give those with faith a land filled with milk and honey. 

I feel like God was building something in me. For the last few years, I have personally seen the changes in my life. All the hardships I have endured have all taught me something, have all changed me. I am a stronger person. I know to trust God more. And have greater faith in what I cannot see. 

Although I don't know what lies ahead of me in the future, who will be there, what will be there, what will I do... I know that there is a heavenly father that is looking out for me, who has already written a fantastic adventure/fairytale- that is my life. 


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