Forgetting what is behind

16:38:00 Karen Li 0 Comments

It's the first day of November, a brand new month. I like new starts; for at least a little while, I can forget about the mistakes I have made and feel optimistic about the future. Then I start thinking and thinking and thinking about the mistakes I've made. And all the time I've been thinking, well I've completely wasted the new start! What a pity! 

But today, the task was explicit. On this first day of November, a month till my 2 year anniversary, I have been asked to produce a 2 page document explaining what I have been doing all year; justifying why they should continue to fund my efforts; and why I'm not a complete waste of resources/space/time. 

When I started this task this morning, I felt like a completely worthless person. I felt like I have wasted another year. Yet another year down the drain. I felt like I have not met any of my goals this year and have been simple procrastinating all year. I felt low, hopeless, helpless. 

Then I started to recount some of the things that I have been through. I took a month off to be with family during a tough time in their lives and really that was the only month that I didn't work. I spent a lot of time though doing teaching, which is outside the scope of my contract - so lecturing, tutoring, course administration. But that I felt was a good use of my time, since it will build up opportunities for me in the future. And the collaborations with the professors have lead to some manuscripts in preparation. 

Where else has my time gone? Well I had coursework. Finished a huge externship placement and my last coursework subject. These have also taken significant portions of my time. I'd say up to 2-3 days a week. 

So the progress? Attended several workshops/training sessions for statistics. Got one first authored article published. Another one is in preparation- hoping to submit this one before Christmas. Did some preliminary analyses for several half finished articles- not sure if these will eventuate since the results were not significant. Prepared a presentation which I will do in a few days. 

And what of the rest of the time? Yes, I have been lazy. Less effective and efficient than what I would like to be. BUT this is a new start. This is where I draw the line. I have to be more productive and use the time God has given me. I have to make an effort to finish this thing. 

IDEALLY, I will be free 31 December 2012. I should start praying about it now. Praying non-stop about finishing then. Then, like my mum says, I can regroup and see what God has planned for the rest of my life. Which, up to now has been about finishing my studies. 

Philippians 3: 13b-14. Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

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