Review: 5 Love languages by Gary Chapman

11:03:00 Karen Li 1 Comments

This week's book sharing was a #1 NYT bestseller. The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts

Part 1: We looked at what to look for in a potential romantic partner.
Part 2: What happens when you have met the right type of person.

During couples counselling, one of the things that strikes me is that A loves B and B loves A but there are problems in the way the pair express and receive love. The 5 love languages have helped me in my clinical practice.

Gary talks about people speaking different love languages.  He suggests that there are 5 emotional love languages.

He suggests that Love is the most important word in the English language. He is right, psychologists (even atheists) would conclude that feeling loved is a fundamental human need. In fact, in my view, God is love, the bible is all about love, and love is everything.

In chapter 3, Gary talks about falling in love. It's euphoric. You become obsessed with the person. The person becomes the centre of our thoughts. You long to be together. Spending time together means everything. You see your partner as perfect. We believe that this will last forever. Nothing could come between us. Researchers of this phenomenon suggest that this will last on average 2 years, but some suggests that the phenomenon lasts around 3 months.

Then we start to see the flaws of the other person.

True love takes effort, discipline. (p33).
I often talk about a love tank with my clients as well. You can build emotional credits with your person. And when times get tough, you draw upon these credits. These principles don't just apply to romantic relationships. It also applies for families, friends, co-workers, etc. But it's easier to talk about it in terms of romantic relationships.

- Verbal compliments, words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
- Encouraging words can give them courage in insecure areas
- Kind words
- Delivered in an appropriate way.
- For children, I always recommend descriptive praise, being specific about what it is you like about the other person's behaviour.

How can you express words of affirmation? Here are some ideas
- Remind yourself visually "Words are important"
- Set a goal to give a different compliment each month
- Take note of words of affirmation other people use

- Giving someone your undivided attention.
- Quality conversation-- LISTEN
- Learning to talk
- Quality activities
- For children, small amounts of regular really quality time can mean more than a days worth of time.

How can you build quality time? here are some ideas
- Get a list of fun things you can do together
- Make a plan, make a date

- Gifts are visual symbols of love.
- Gifts maybe purchased, found or made.
- Physical presence can also be a gift

How can you love using gifts? here are some ideas
- Keep a gift idea notebook
- Give some handmade originals
- Offer the gift of presence
- Give a lasting tribute/ gift

- Doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.
- includes cooking a meal, washing dishes, looking through paperwork.
- This is also something I find in couples therapy.
- Be careful of stereotypes and expectations

How can we love using acts of service?
- Make a lists of requests
- Ask your person what they would like done for them

Touch receptors are located throughout the body, some places more sensitive than others
- Appropriateness
- Timing is also crucial

How can we love using physical touch?
- Take note of what your person responds to.

- Discover your primary love language
- Make an effort to discover the love language of your other. And make an effort to make them feel loved

Check out the website!

I think Good things take time. It will be worth it. And if you haven't found a partner to love yet, you can still love your friends and family using the 5 love languages.

Tried it for a week and it's not working? Stick to it.

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